The ultimate test of fortitude

On July 1, 2009 I was laid off.

The news was a blow, but I can't say that I was taken by surprise. I survived three rounds of layoffs at my previous employer and as a precaution I'd updated my resume and started conversations with recruiters anyway.

Unfortunately, the leads hadn't panned out åand I was left to try out unemployment for the first time ever in life, as well as challenge myself to go from operating on four grand per month (take home) to about half that.

It is what it is, and my pride is huge. I'm a taxpayer and I believe public assistance is a right but I couldn't bring myself to pursue any programs that will require an in-person interview. You see, back in 1999, I was making $10/hr, living on my own, and taking care of a newborn. I applied for food stamps and they denied me. I was in college, I came from a good home, and even being in that position made me feel like crap. The case worker I worked with even talked down to me like I was ridiculous for even being there. I promised myself that I wouldn't endure that again.

That being said I have taken advantage of unemployment, reduced-rate lunch and applied for Medicaid for my children, and I've successfully negotiated with my lenders to buy myself some time on my debts. Nissan motor credit let me defer for about 60 days. I took out a personal loan to pay for a replacement air conditioning unit last summer and I was able to get my payments reduced for five months. Originally I was using a debt snowball to pay off my credit cards, but I've just been paying the minimum balances to maintain a good record with them. I also, applied for loan modification with my mortgage lender. Because so many people are requesting assistance, I can't expect a solution for almost 90 days, but that's what unemployment has been taking care of.

I got a severance payment when I left my job, but I chose not to use the allowance on COBRA insurance. I pocketed it all to keep my bills current before I negotiated all the deals with my lenders. You see, if you have a good payment record with them, and in hard times you are proactive, they're more likely to work with you. If you get a collection call, negotiate with them. More people than you can imagine are in your exact same situation and they're more interested in working with you than playing hard ball.

In addition to unemployment and finessing, I've relied heavily on my God given talents. I'm seeking out more freelance writing projects, and I've gotten back into web design. The same day that I made the announcement that I was taking web design clients, a friend told me that a local junior college was looking for someone to teach an intro to web design course. Even though I've never taught a class before, they were in a bind, so I didn't even have to interview once they heard my qualifications. I don't consider myself a professional web designer, but I have an intermediate aptitude.

That skill level is enough to get a few small projects done and teach the class. More money for me. Also, the key was to price everything accordingly. Everyone else is watching their pennies too. The way I decided what I'd charge (without gouging my clients, and not cheating myself), I went to www.cbsalary.com to look up the corresponding job (web designer, editor, copywriter) and broke the annual salary down to an hourly rate. Win-win. But do you want to know what's strangely true? I am busier now than I ever was working full time!

My former employer accommodated me for 60 days of out-placement training with Right Management. I learned better interviewing skills, best practices for responding to job listings, perfected my resume, and most importantly, how to optimize my network to help find work. Nonetheless, I think the most groundbreaking thing that's come out of the training was deciding to focus my career search. I decided that I wanted to maintain my job function (interactive marketing) but zero in on my industry.

That was a challenge because I needed to decide what what I wouldn't be bored doing. That left entertainment and sports (yes, sports). And believe it or not, sports was the path I chose. I've pulled together my network, reached out to some VERY strong contacts and I'm fostering a career in sports marketing. Dallas is an ideal market considering how many teams and sports are here and it's a very exciting industry. I've got a 10-year veteran who is interested in helping me learn, so I'm well on my way.

It's UNBELIEVABLE but true. Every day is a new opportunity to apply for a job with a team, work on marketing solutions for future clients, build connections, develop an idea, etc. and it's invigorating. But don't get me wrong. My first love (music and fashion) have not fallen by the wayside.

This week I'll be working on scoring a phone interview with Pitbull for the Dallas Observer (more freelance work, lol). And I spent last weekend at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week.

More on that later, though. Unemployment isn't a death sentence people.

How to save money on the kids' activities

I wasn't very demanding as a child so it never occurred to me that I should inform my mother that I wanted to participate in activities. I mean, she took piano lessons as a kid, and asked me if I wanted to do that. That question was met with frown and an apprehensive "no." My two cousins played little league baseball, but that wasn't something that appealed to me either. The three of us took gymnastics for a few years until it got expensive, but I think I just didn't know what my options where. That is until I went to my cousin Nikki's dance recital. The stage and lights and glittery costumes was much too much for me and I think I was enrolled at JJ's Dance Studio in Queens within weeks of seeing the show.

Looking back, I realized that I missed out on quite a few chances at activities simply because I never asked my mother. (That changed in high school though, lol). Realizing that my kids are very much my same personality type, I didn't give them the option of neglecting to ask.

As soon as my daughter turned 5 I started her in drill team (but we quickly changed our minds because it was hell-hot outside and she doesn't do well in extreme temperatures). After that was gymnastics which she enjoyed in all of its air-conditioned splendor. When my son turned 5 I put him on a soccer team. It wasn't really his thing since he doesn't yet display the tenacity to get in the mix and steal the ball. Through my trial and error I found what works for the kids and what works for me.

You see, I refused to be one of those parents who lived and died by their kids' activity schedule. They outnumber me, yet I'm the one with the car. SO, I've split up the activities by season. They're 8 and 10 now and for the past two years my daughter has played soccer in the fall (and she rocks--my girl is blazing fast). My son plays baseball in the spring. Baseball was better for him because it didn't involve excessive running and being aggressive. He's a laid-back little guy and always remembers he's playing for fun.

Even from the beginning I knew activities had the potential to get expensive so I took the following tactics:

• Avoid things with a recurring cost: The thing that I liked the most about athletics (as opposed to dance and gymnastics) for the kids was that I paid once at the beginning of the year and that was it. We all know that money can get ignorant sometimes and who wants to be "that parent" who's always late on the tuition?
• Start with the parks and recreation department: Look, my taxes are high as a kite in my little suburb, so from the day I moved in I was determined to get the most of out of my dollars. A family membership to the rec center was about $300 (which could be covered in monthly installments) and covered access to all of the centers within the city with access to their workout rooms, basketball and tennis courts and pools. Every season the class listing comes out with an overwhelming selection of stuff to do for less than $100. Last summer the kids took swim lessons twice a week for a month and it only cost me $105. If I want to take a yoga class or something... $58. There's a class for nearly every mainstream sport, dance, art and music for everyone in the household.
• Get the most from your league: It costs $80/year for my daughter to play soccer and that covers her shirt, shorts and soccer socks. My son's baseball costs about the same and he gets his hat, shirt and baseball socks. The season is usually about 20 games over 3-4 months, and they get trophies at the end of the year.
  
• Don't feel compelled to buy sports photos: Bring your own camera and take pictures of them in-action. I've always liked those better than the posed ones where they'll probably end up smiling all crazy. I do buy the team photo for posterity, though.
• Don't buy a bunch of equipment in first year: That is a hard and fast rule of mine since you won't know for sure how the kids will take to the activity. I get the personal basics and for the first year my kids shared equipment with the team. The coach ALWAYS has extras. I didn't commit to buying full baseball gear until my son's second year. I did notice that Play it Again Sports and sporting goods stores were still more pricey than Walmart. If you're serious about finding equipment on the cheap, go garage sale'ing and check Craigslist.org.
• There's no need to show off when you're on snack duty: There are moms who bring Gatorade and two ore three pricey snacks for the each kid on the team. More power to them. When it's my turn, they get Capri Sun (a 12-pack is like $2 at Walmart), peanut butter crackers and fruit snacks (a 24-pack of Smilies usually does the trick). You're not trying to win their love or tide them over until dinner. You're just giving them something for a game well-played.

While your kids are still young (and not playing sports through the school which IS pricey) enjoy it. There's no reason to start plunking down big bucks yet--especially if they haven't found their niche.

Money-Saving Tips For: Feeling Fabulous

Being responsible and taking care of the needs in life usually doesn’t leave any room for any wants. You trick yourself into thinking that because all of the bills are paid and the bank account isn’t in the negative digits then everything is okay. Well, if that’s true then why do you sometimes feel cheated? It’s because you’ve been denying yourself any fun, that’s why!

Many moms either don’t know or refuse to openly admit that it is necessary to take care of herself first. Think about this, because it kind of follows the same rules as using the oxygen masks in an airplane emergency. If you are traveling with a child, you’re supposed to put on your mask first, then theirs. Do you know why they tell you to do this? It’s because if you take care of the child first, and then you pass out, the child is unable to put your mask on and save you. Ergo, you must take care of yourself first in order to properly care for everyone else (this goes for mental and physical wellness, too. When was your last physical?)

Take care of mommy. Shuffle some things in your budget to make room for some rewards. Bring lunch from home instead of buying; buy 7-Eleven coffee instead of Starbucks this week—better yet, brew at home. These things don’t have to be big adjustments, and they’re short-term, all in the name of your reward. There’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a bonus for sticking to your life goals:

Pampering:

• Massages are divine little indulgences, but you don’t have to spend a lot of money on them. A 20-minute chair massage at the mall, Central Market, or some nail shops go for only $20 and can relieve some of the stress that builds up in your muscles. If you get hooked and want to go the extra mile, seek out a massage school. Therapists must log a certain amount of practice hours before they become licensed professionals, so 60- and 90-minute massages cost a fraction of what they would at a spa.
• Luxury bath products seem like a waste when their cost can easily be applied to a tank of gas or groceries. But consider the power of your sense of smell. Hasn’t a familiar aroma transported you back to pleasant memories for moments at a time? Investing in a rich body butter to use on special days is an economical way to indulge yourself. My favorite is Jaqua’s Buttercream Frosting and it smells good enough to eat. I smooth it on before I get all dolled up for some fun with friends or a date. Also, if I’m having a crappy day, rubbing a bit on my hands is very soothing and helps take my mind away from stress.
• Product samples: I can’t tell you how many events I’ve gone to and come home with miniature packets of hair and body products. Not only are these things good for travel, the luxury-brand items are usually bigger… and all for free. No samples on hand? Ask for them in the department store. Trust, they have plenty.

Dining:

• Eat before you go out, but meet your friends for a cocktail and dessert. Your tummy will be just full enough to enjoy the sexiest parts of the menu anyway.
• Happy hour—it’s not just for drinks anymore! Many restaurants’ happy hour menus not only include drink specials but price-cuts on appetizers and bar food. Who ever could be disappointed with $5 sushi rolls and $3 sake? Better yet, flip the script and look for spots that offer reverse (or late-night) happy hour if you can’t make it right after work.

Shopping:

• For most of us ladies, shoes are an instant mood-booster, so do what you can to stretch your dollar. The clearance racks at DSW have bestowed upon me a pair of Guess jacquard flats for $15 and a pair of Nicole Miller cork-heeled wedges for $40. If you’re looking for work shoes, find your local Stein Mart and use the coupons in the paper; and every so often you can luck up on casual shoes and sandals at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx. The same locales apply for handbags. If you’re looking for a certain style of shoe enjoy this story:

I became very emotionally attached to a pair of red patent Manolo Blahnik Mary Janes, but because I’d be out of my mind to spend the equivalent of rent on a pair of shoes, I started searching for a look-alike. Zappos.com sold a pair black patent Via Spiga Mary Janes that was a dead ringer. However, they were still $100 and they weren’t red. Using Google Shopping, I typed in the name and style of the shoe and it spit out results in colors I didn’t even know were produced. A site called 6pm.com produced a pair of red Via Spiga “Neda” Mary Janes, in my size, and on sale for $69.

• New makeup: Even if it’s just nail polish or gloss, a little sparkle or splash of color does wonders for the self esteem. And if you’re a M.A.C. girl, count up your empty containers, because if you’ve got six then it’s time to bring them back to the store, and under their recycling plan, claim your free lipstick. If you’re into shadows, check out L'Oreal's HIP (high intensity pigment) collection for rich, attention-grabbing hues at drug store prices. CVS and Walgreens are always running specials of the buy-one-get-one-free variety on makeup. And do you know what’s the best thing about buying makeup from the drug store? If you get it home and it looks a hot mess, they will almost always let you bring it back.

Stop making yourself feel poor

Okay, so maybe the lion’s share of your paycheck is spent before it even hits your bank account. Assure yourself that this is only a temporary situation and you’re already making progress by choosing take control of your life. But don’t be fooled, having a positive attitude and a commitment to improvement can be completely derailed by lurking reminders of what is missing from your life.

If you’re anything like the other living, breathing, broke and glamorous then those missing things are probably an ignorant amount of designer clothes, shoes, accessories, a fresh condo or home fully furnished by Room & Board and the new BMW X6 (you know… to keep the kids safe). Look, I’m writing this guide and I STILL want most of those things. However, I’ve realized that the best way to address these urgent wants is to exercise prudent avoidance and be a smart shopper:

• Audit your email: It happens slowly, but after a while you realize that you’re subscribed to a ridiculous number of mailing lists, all of them telling you about the hottest new thing that you can’t have. Opt out. Seriously. Remove the temptation to “learn more” and “buy now.” On the other hand, some e-newsletters are very necessary when it comes time for shopping. For that I recommend setting up an email address to use exclusively for mailing lists. They’ll still be available when you need them, brandishing their sales and discount codes. Only now, they won’t pop up in your inbox 10 times a day.
• Don’t get mauled: The mall is a dangerous place for people trying to be financially responsible. All of those big, shiny “new arrivals” and “sale” signs. The power of suggestion is even stronger when you can’t hit delete. Window shopping can take a devastating turn once you try something on and see how good you look in it. Case in point: stay away from the stores unless you’ve got something to buy. When it is time to do some carefully-budgeted shopping, check the Sunday paper for coupons (Macy’s always has some) and sale announcements. For deep discounts, Smartbargains.com and Overstock.com are my favorites, hands down. I once got a pair of croc-embossed Charles David pumps for $47.
• Know your limits: Shop with cash to avoid blowing the budget. It’s that simple.
• Get stingy: Your hard-earned dollars are valuable; don’t waste them buying something that you aren’t 100% satisfied with. If the fit is just a bit off (and it can’t be tailored), if it’s not really your style, if it’s not practical, if you only feel “ho-hum” about it—don’t buy it. You may not have buyer’s remorse immediately, but you will once you notice that you’ve worn it twice in 12 months. Worse yet, if it’s still hanging up with tags attached after several months.
• Stretch your dollar: Don’t be seduced by the word SALE. Do a little shopping around (online saves gas!) so you have a frame of reference of what things should cost. I mean, should you really get excited that Old Navy is selling solid, ribbed tanks for $10 each? In my opinion, they should be two for $10, and they usually are at stores like H&M, Forever 21 and G+G/Rave. When shopping for yourself, allocate more money for classic, key pieces that will endure the changing fashion trends. Fad items and small accessories should account for a minimal amount of your spending. When it comes to kids’ clothes there are only three things to remember: clean, neat, and growing room. Seriously, no two year old craves Nikes (and if he or she does, that is a whole other discussion). Bearing that in mind, Target and Wal*Mart are your best friends when outfitting the kiddies. With $5 tops and tees, shorts and jeans for under $10, you will be able to do unbelievable things with $60.

I don't need no stinking degree... Do I?

There comes a time when you seriously have to ask yourself: What do I want out of life?

I know that sounds like a really big question to ask yourself but you need to start somewhere. What are you doing right now? Does it suck? Are you dissatisfied? I've found that the biggest motivator to overcoming odds is to be just plain fed up. You need to be so sick and tired of your state of affairs that you're willing to put in the work to do something to change it.

For many of us, being a young parent meant leaving college behind (or opting out altogether). Have you ever found yourself browsing the job listings and everything you’re interested in applying for has this big, fat stop sign on it: "bachelor’s degree required"? These days it’s not just a formality, it’s a downright requirement. I mean, do you really need a four-year degree to be an administrative assistant at a Fortune 500 company? Very unlikely, but if a position becomes available that could possibly usher you into the financial freedom you’re looking for, your lack of a degree will definitely hold you back. Our parents’ generation had the benefit of subbing in hard work and on-the-job training for a formal education. But with today’s market as competitive as it is, you need to be, well, a competitor.

Embarking on the collegiate path is a big undertaking. It’s just as much a commitment as your full-time job, but if you’re really frustrated with being underemployed then you’ll make the commitment. Here are a few steps to get started:

• Start in community college: It's cheap, it's accessible and it's flexible. Talk to the advisors about getting on the "transfer track" and begin making progress on those core courses that will register time (and money) saved once you apply to a 4-year college.
• Consider an online program: The availability of distance learning has made degrees possible for so many working folks who don't have the option to sit in a classroom. Check out eLearners to explore your educational paths. Choose a school, research them to be sure they are properly accredited, and request enrollment information. I personally prefer degree programs that are associated with a brick & mortar institution. I am intermittently working on a master's degree online through Gonzaga University (I admit, I'm a label snob). Some of the top schools in the country offer online learning now, and you could only benefit from the brand equity of a recognizable school. If you choose distance learning, I consider it beneficial to make at least one trip to the campus... maybe for your graduation. It will give you a chance to bond with the institution.
• The money is out there; find it: I've heard that there are grants and scholarships available for nearly everything under the sun... and it's true. Exercise caution in your paper chase because there are shady companies looking to capitalize on the optimism of eager students. Fastweb is an excellent source for finding legit money for school. There should never be a cost associated with finding or applying for scholarships.
• Don't be deterred by expensive schools: My research is unscientific, but I've found it to be true... the more a school costs, the better their endowment, the more money they have to give away in financial aid. Each year in undergrad, Southern Methodist University was the donor of my biggest grant. I was there for four years and only ended up financing the equivalent of one year. Schools require you complete the FAFSA to be considered for financial aid.
• Apply for Federal aid: Because you have a dependent (or a few) the government responds in your favor. And the benefit to making crappy wages is that you'll qualify for need based grants. Stafford loans are an additional means to make up any shortage on expenses. (And they're not based on creditworthiness, woo hoo!) I know some of you might be leery about taking out educational loans, but consider it an investment in yourself. Besides, in most cases you can draw out the term as long as 16 years. With interest rates in the single-digits, it's not something to spazz about. Sallie Mae services all of my student loans and they've been nothing short of stellar in terms of flexibility and payment options. Also, most lenders offer a six month grace period after you finish school before you begin repayment. NOTE: Do not, under any circumstances default on a Federal student loan. That is the government and they WILL get their money one way or another. Not only will default wreck your credit and kill your eligibility for future Federal loans, but they are fully entitled to garnish your wages to make sure you pay what you owe. When applying for loans, read all of the fine print. The last thing you need is to get caught up with a predatory lender who will bury you before you even really start.
• Borrow wisely: I am the first to admit that when that financial aid award letter shows up and you see all of that big, blazing loan money available to you, you wanna take it ALL. Don't. Calculate what you will need for tuition, books, equipment related to your classes (a funky fresh new laptop, maybe?), transportation and borrow only that amount. Even though student loan repayment terms are flexible, still less debt is better. Sallie Mae's Be Debt Savvy(tm) offers insightful and practical information about managing credit and debt (news everyone can use).
  
• Get your student ID and use it unashamedly: Businesses love students. It doesn't matter your age, if you've got a valid student ID, brandish that bad boy everywhere from electronics stores and restaurants to movie theaters and mass transit get your discount. Even if it's 5%-10% off, that's money in your pocket. Check out Student Advantage and pimp your student-status for what it's worth! The student life office can also inform you of partnerships in the city for discounts.

Hopefully this list can help you get motivated. Even if you're not 100% certain about your career path, choose a field of study that offers practical, real-world value. Don't get too caught up in the mindset that you have to major in the field you plan to enter. (Sometimes medical anthropology majors end up becoming television writers.) In some cases the right major is necessary, but if you're half way through a program, go ahead and see it through. Consider a minor in a different discipline to make you more marketable. At this level of the game, your degree is a stepping stone; internships and jobs offering relevant experience are the keys to getting into your choice field.

Introduction

Young: Jay-Z said 30's the new 20, right?
Fab: Have you SEEN the profile pic?
Broke: Frequently, but I’d outgrown Suze Orman’s smartly-named niche market before she’d even published that book—even while factoring in two smiling differentiators, aged 7 and 9.

Starting a new blog is always a weird thing for me. I never quite know what to say in the first post and I always have a mental image of walking into an empty, white room (a la the booting program in “The Matrix”) with my 4” heels clicking on the floor. Here? Yep, same feeling. Well, now that I've babbled for a bit, I suppose I can introduce you to the theme of this project. This blog will be the work-in-progress that will eventually become my book. My living guide for the YF&B single mom.... Ugh, that just sounds *bleh* to me. "Single mom" sounds so wack and middle aged (not that there's anything wrong with that--it's just not ME). I think I've only used the term "single mom" as a trump card. "Hey Quia, can I borrow $50?" "MAN, I'm a single mom! You can't ask me for money!" Anyway, I don't have a title yet, but I guess that's what publishers and marketing departments are for. That's ironic because I work in marketing. Interactive marketing. And I'll take that as a segue to explain why I think I'm qualified to write this book.

I was a 20-year old college drop out when I had my first child. Her arrival was a sobering wake up call to the fact that I really needed to get my sh*t together. Hanging out in a nearly empty apartment consuming pretzels and orange juice every day while my new daughter drank the benefits of WIC wasn't a long term option. Besides, I was making $10/hr at the time and I could barely pay for our living expenses. After my cash car died, I swallowed my pride and moved back home with my mom. The college I had my eye on offered full tuition benefits to full-time employees, so I got an admin job there, and applied for admission after a few months.

While I was working and taking classes, I met my [ex]husband and got pregnant with my son. By the time my son arrived, I'd quit one job at the university, and gotten fired from another. I gave up on the idea of working on campus and decided to apply for financial aid and attend full-time, while working full-time as an assistant manager at a retail clothing store. Fast-forwarding through the train wreck that was my 18-month marriage, I found myself at my mother's house--again, this time with two small children. I finally saw the error of my ways and put my dating life on the shelf--a high one. For three years, me and the kiddos resided in my mother's guest room while I attended school full-time, worked part-time as a file clerk at a law office, held several internships and an editorship at the student paper. Those three years were not an easy journey and it often involved a few of my professors overlooking the fact that I was asleep in the corner of the classroom. They knew what I was trying to do and they were sympathetic. For that I am forever thankful to them.

My children were among the guests at my commencement. I was 24 years old, then. I had lofty aspirations of graduating and coasting into a nice editorial job, but when none materialized, I started freelancing for a magazine that I interned for in my senior year. After about two months of underemployment, I landed my first job at a media company, managing their website content. I was earning $34k. It seemed like the ideal offer until I tried to support a household of my own on that salary. I lasted 18 months before a bittersweet departure to a technology company as a web designer, commanding a whopping (for me, at least) $50k salary.

I knew during the interviews that I would hate the job immediately (there is absolutely nothing sexy about system security) but I was in a vicious cycle of payday loans and I was out of payment deferrals on my car note. The job offered relief from my financial burdens and I started enjoying life a bit more. From putting some money aside in my 401k and Roth IRA to going out of town with friends several times per year, I was finally beginning to enjoy my money. And then I bought a house.

Suddenly $50k wasn't enough anymore. I received 100% financing and got a fixed 6.625% interest rate on a 30-yr conventional mortgage. My homeowners insurance and taxes are held in an escrow account, bringing my monthly payment to about $1,400/mo. That in itself wasn't crippling, but forking over twice my usual electric bill, paying the lawn man, and the kids’ skyrocketing child care costs, were. After-school care was double what I paid in my old apartment’s school district, and I no longer “qualified” for reduced-rate lunch and tuition. I put qualified in quotes because there was a little bit of dubious activity involved with the application for reduced-rate lunch and child care, but I digress. In my new school district lunch is about $2/day per child, and here's the kicker: summer camp averages $150/wk... PER CHILD. It was time to make some changes.

Counting it up, I logged about 18 months at the technology company before I ended up where I am today. In the interest of not angering HR, I will just say that my current salary put me in a new tax bracket. I am the first to admit that my compensation acrobatics defy the rules of logic, but I am not arguing. In all irony, I'm earning that kind of money doing work that I didn't even go to school for. I've been a net nerd since 1999 and everything I know (which really isn't THAT tech-intensive) is self-taught. And here I am... a web marketing specialist in the private aviation industry. GO. FIGURE. But I know what I'm doing, and I love my job. I earn enough to comfortably pay my bills, have fun, shop hard and be responsible. Now if only I could get back to the part about saving...

Today, I'm young, fab & building--building a bright future for my little family. The purpose of this book is to share with other parents how I arrived where I am, and how you can do it too. Oh yeah, and I’m dating again. But there are no more children in the forecast. I’m done.